When it comes to learning how to think like a lawyer, most people think of law school. And while the classroom has its place, some of the best learning comes from actually being in the courtroom. For example, two lawyers gave a masterclass on how to not structure and deliver a closing argument that is ripe for study. From ABA Journal:

The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals at New Orleans said lawyers Stephen A. Khoury of Dallas and C. Gregory Shamoun of Farmers Branch, Texas, had “employed nearly every category of what we have previously held to be improper closing argument.”
…
When beginning the closing argument, Shamoun threw a box of tissues at Mychalowych, stating: “I know y’all have a potentiality of crying, y’all might need Kleenex.”

First lesson, while it is okay for a closing statement to have a flair for the dramatic, leave the “sick burns” to the lawyers on Tubi. Second, don’t rely too heavily on stereotypes:

[B]oth lawyers mentioned several times that Clapper was from Michigan while also suggesting that “people from Michigan have lower moral standards,” the appeals court said.

That’s rich coming from a Louisiana lawyer. We won’t fault Khoury and Shamoun merely for being lawyers of course — but if you’re gonna invoke tiers of moral standards, someone should point out that the score required to pass the MPRE in Michigan is 85, 5 points higher than what it takes to practice in his state. If you’re going to attack your opponent’s moral deficiencies at close, maybe try not to draw attention to your own? What’s next, dropping all pretense and just threatening them?

Oh wait, that actually happened:

Later, Shamoun said that if Mychalowych had accused him of perjury on the street, rather than in the courtroom, he would have “kicked his butt.” If the opposing lawyer was his child, Shamoun said, he would have “spanked” him for asking so many leading questions.

These are just a few of the bad passes these lawyers made at the opposing side, but all of them violated a simple tenet: “[W]hile a lawyer may strike hard blows, he is not at liberty to strike foul ones”. Calling someone a financial pimple is definitely a low blow.

Lawyers’ ‘Barrage Of Personal Attacks’ On Opponents Started With Tissue-Box Toss, Appeals Court Says [ABA Journal]

Chris Williams became a social media manager and assistant editor for Above the Law in June 2021. Prior to joining the staff, he moonlighted as a minor Memelord™ in the Facebook group Law School Memes for Edgy T14s.  He endured Missouri long enough to graduate from Washington University in St. Louis School of Law. He is a former boatbuilder who cannot swim, a published author on critical race theory, philosophy, and humor, and has a love for cycling that occasionally annoys his peers. You can reach him by email at [email protected] and by tweet at @WritesForRent.